I don’t have anything scheduled for today so I’m just going to let out a few thoughts that I’ve been having lately, alright? alright.

This week has been a little bit of a ick one. Back in August I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (yes at 24. so ridiculous) and a few days ago I had what I like to call “a spell”. I don’t have very many spells (we’ll get to that reason in a bit) but when I do they suck the life right out of me and make me feel like the most pathetic person on the planet. Occasionally the spell is in my hands or my knees but this time it was deep in my hips and lower back and lasted for days.

The pain is an ache that steals your sleep and your peace of mind and you start to wonder if it’ll always feel like this. Until one day you wake up and the pain is gone, you can move freely. And you start to think how silly and pathetic you were acting. Until it happens again.

When a doctor tells you that at 24 you have arthritis, it’s pretty unbelievable. When he tells you that the medicine he’s about to put you on can cause major emotional malfunctions and infertility, it’s infuriating. I’m still not entirely convinced that I have RA, due to the fact that since August I’ve had less than 10 spells and none of them have been as bad as that very first spell that sent me to the doctor with hands so swollen I couldn’t get a ring off my finger. But not even that first spell, when I felt like I had to bend almost completely in half just to be able to walk up the stairs, is worth the side effects from that medication. Medicine should not have that many negative side effects, it contradicts the definition of medicine.

So I’m not taking any. I’m researching natural methods, like eating more fish which is high in omega-3 fatty acids (which sounds disgusting but apparently it’s good for fighting RA) and doing more yoga. I’m experimenting, finding what works for me so that I don’t have to feel that helpless, depressing pain ever again. So that I don’t have to be scared of what is going to happen to my mind in order to “take care” of my body. And most importantly, so that I won’t have doctors telling me that I need to stop wearing cute shoes and start wearing Dr. Scholls.   Just kidding. kind of.

This past week I had a spell. I had dropped the ball on my yoga, stopped being as conscious of the food I ate, and apparently it back fired on me. It was a painful wake up call, but it did it’s job. Instead of forcing me to run screaming to a doctor who would give me ovary destroying medication, it caused me to remember why exactly I was working towards becoming healthier in my eating habits and my lifestyle.

I was given a painful diagnosis(granted, it could have been much worse, I know) and a stupid remedy to that diagnosis. But I’m not accepting either one. Words are powerful, but only if you allow them to be. If you allow negative words to fester in your heart, to take root and burrow into your soul, then you will accept anything anyone says about you, not just silly diagnosis’, but what people say about your character, about your abilities, about your worth.

But the same works for positive words as well. If you refuse to accept what people say about you, if your worth comes from something more than just the words of those around you, then you know that you are capable of anything.

target hat//U2 tee borrowed from my brother//DIY cut offs//Threadsence smoking slippers

I know that doctors are put in place for a reason, i know that they save lives and do wondrous things. Maybe this doctor is right, maybe I do have RA. But if I can live the rest of my life in a healthier way and NOT have to take stupid ridiculous drugs? I do believe that’s a win/win for everyone.

WHEW you weren’t expecting THIS today were you?! They don’t call me The Rambler for nothin ;)