i should have known, when i stepped onto the building’s linoleum floors, heels clacking and people staring, that this trip was not going to be one without it’s fair share of uncomfortable.
but since i’ve never frequented jail or felt the need to change my citizenship, i had not previously enjoyed the atmosphere in the Oklahoma Social Security Offices until i had to go and change my last name.
let me just give you a hint: social security ain’t so social.
what exactly do you think i’m hiding in my shoes that causes you to demand I take them off and walk through a metal detector? drugs? i’m sitting in a giant room with scary people. why would i bring drugs in with me?
if you insist on calling us out by number like cattle don’t you think it would be in your best interest to invest in a intercom system that is actually understandable? I get more English from the teacher on Charlie Brown.
Gentleman with the scary tattoos (nekkid lady, KILL on his arm, scary looking skull thing smoking a joint, etc) and the shorts of questionable white color: why are you laughing like a sadistic rapist every time you look at me? and for that matter, why are you looking at me? or leaning towards me? or trying to read my book with me? (it wasn’t a funny part).
young woman from jail: congratulations. i’m sure you’re right and you didn’t deserve to be in there. but do we have to speak so loudly that everyone knows your opinion? my ears are bleeding from your shrillness. i’m sorry. please don’t kill me.
after three and a half hours (read it, that’s right), I was finally ushered out of the holding pen by a young woman who only stared at my shoes for a second (or 10). i’m going to assume she was riveted with jealousy and not cackling at my clacking on the inside.
after 5 minutes with staring girl I was given a new last name and an escape route that didn’t involve the holding pen. cue the hallelujah chorus.
Unfortunately, I now have a hideous driver’s license picture. Since i had been blessed with two pretty good pictures before this one, I think I was overdue for a stunner.
woah there blush. if you look closely you can see my glasses indentations on the side of my
ski slope nose. also, i thought i was having to sign to say yes i was an organ donor, not sign for my license. hence the chicken scrawl that vaguely resembles letters.
for those of you, like me, who want to change your last name after marriage and are thoroughly confused by the contradicting information on the Internet, here’s what you need to change your name in Oklahoma:
- you have to go to the SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE to change your last name. Not the wedding license registry, not the passport offices, not the post office. SOCIAL SECURITY. They really try to confuse you on this one.
- I took my wedding license, my birth certificate, and my driver’s license. the woman looked at my driver’s license and my wedding license, but told me it’s a good idea to bring your birth certificate just in case. You can also bring your social security card but since I didn’t have mine anymore, it’s not actually required.
-YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY CARD IS NOT REQUIRED. i’m saying that twice because I called ahead and the woman on the phone was SO stinking confusing, i wasn’t sure if i needed my ss card or a vial of blood. also because of that lady…
- you have many different options in the state of Oklahoma for your new name. I could drop my maiden name, hyphenate my maiden and married name, drop my middle name and keep my maiden and married names, or make my maiden name a second middle name. all are legal and do not require further paperwork. (take THAT you mean old heifer on the phone!)